Daily Caller Shark Jumping - CIgarette Review Edition

Hoo boy - just when you thought you'd seen everything, along comes Daily Caller's latest idiocy - Cigarette reviews.
And not just any old review - reviews done with flair, style, and a remarkable degree of odiousness.
So well done in fact that if it wasn't for the fact that this is almost Onion worthy.  Except that it is the Daily Caller - Tucker Carlson's latest chumpy endeavor and is entirely serious.
Patrick Howley's review of the Marlboro Red is truly the Mariah Carey of reviews - starting on a high note, and just going up from there.

Before cigarettes were sold to men for the purpose of sexual solicitation, they were allowed to revel in their polarizing maleness, their seductiveness muted and irrelevant, their purpose utilitarian.

Hoo boy. 
Seriously?
"sexual solicitation"?
What on earth is Howley smoking? Apparently something a bit different from a Marlboro Red, I suspect..

Densely concentrated at its tip, the Marlboro requires a concerted initial pull from the chest. The taste hits the back of the mouth first, tinny and pointed, a quick alert that the experience is underway. The smoke comes in fast and runs fast for the throat, forcing the participant to hold in for a moment’s reflection.
Only at this point does the smoker appreciate the full thickness of the product he has just inhaled. He enjoys the unexpected pleasure of being able to control it, maneuver it for a few split seconds so as to cover selected points at the top of the chest. This moment is most satisfactory, providing a warmth and respiratory presence so lacking from other cigarettes.

Sexual innuendo much?
"full thickness of the product"?
Freud would be proud. 
Mind you, so would the CDC - I suspect you don't really want to get into what exactly is "cover[ing] selected points at the top of the chest".  There is probably a reason that Howley didn't grace the review with a picture of a tar-stained set of lungs...

The exhale, too, is thick, requiring work from the mouth, shaping the lips into a crude circle as the ingredients are let go unfashionably into the air. The taste lingers at the roof of the mouth, identical to the initial taste, for a few seconds. Though creating a noticeable dryness in the region with repeated efforts, this effect necessitates a second inhalation to alleviate it.

Serious awesomeness - once you inhale, you actually need to exhale.  Crazy stuff I tell you.  Mind you, I do appreciate the little addi(c)tive touch - "a second inhalation to alleviate it".   Pulitzer price material I tell you...

This is a thick and thorough brand, to be sure, but very pedestrian in its goals.

Its combination of pre-taste, post-taste, speed, thickness, and chestal warmth provides sufficiency across five different categories. Similar brands may provide one or two of these pleasures, but few brands can hit a “B+” level at every stage of the smoking experience.

Marlboro’s allure, then, is in its manufactured completeness. The smoker knows what to expect with every drag, and with every drag his expectations are met. To deny the effectiveness of the Marlboro, even for the most refined cigarette aficionados among us, is to deny the mechanics and benefits of smoking.

Like I said - the Mariah Carey of reviews. 
I mean, seriously, "chestal warmth"? "benefits of smoking?" "knows wat to expect with every drag"?
Words fail me...