The Haters Guide to Willaims-Sonoma
Deadspin, comes this masterful takedown of the utter insanity that is the Williams-Sonoma catalogue.
Selected quotes include
- your perfect children standing by the table in their john-johns and singing gaily to you all as you pipe fresh, warm cognac into each other's butts
- Seriously though, who spends $16 on sugar cookie mix? How hard is it to make your own sugar cookies? I bet this mix is just a box of sugar. "Just mix with eggs, flour, and salt!"
- Soon we'll have a peppermint bark origin story. Very dark. Very gritty. I worry about franchise dilution. It used to be about the BARK, man
- Hey, you know what? I'm selling my own cronut knockoff, too. Pay me $80, and I'll come to your house with a bag of flour, and then I'll kick you in the shins. The kick is gluten-free.
- Double-winged, double-grooved auger crushes and presses food for maximum yield and minimum oxidation."
UPDATE: the piece di resistance is in a comment from burner613 - copied in entirety below
Six years ago my then 3 year old son saw the Santa version of the snowman pan in the catalog and asked me to get it. I did because I was 7 months pregnant and felt guilty about this being his last Christmas without a sibling. WORST DECISION. First, the fancy ass decorations in the catalog were done with fruit leather and fondant. Yeah, that wasn't happening. Second, you have to glue the sides together and let them "set" before frosting your monstrosity so the cake dries out beautifully. And, finally, I ended up full on pregnancy fueled crying at 2 AM because Santa looks like a lawn jockey in white face after a bender. It scared the crap out of the kid (here have a slice of face and arm!) and tasted like sand. I tried it again a few years later with one of their expensive mixes and less frosting - still nasty and creepy.